you can't always get what you want...
Monday, July 26, 2010 and if you try sometime you find you get what you need. Thank you, Rolling Stones.
A couple of months ago, I applied for a job that I really wanted. I was made for the position. All of my work had been leading up to that point. I interviewed and it went really well. I did a second interview. They even called my references.
At that point I kind of panicked. I really wanted the job, but it would really change my life. I have been an independent contractor for years now. I take work when I need it and take on the projects I want to take on. I work hard when I have work and have time to play when there isn't a job. The schedule is my own. If I want to work on a Sunday morning when no one is in the office or if I want to stay up late and work...no problem. The freedom of the situation is really nice and it allows me to teach yoga.
But, I wanted something more. I wanted to focus my attention on one job. Have a steady paycheck. So, when I knew that they were checking my references, I thought I had a good shot at the position and the wonderful husband and I did the sit down "life" meeting.
What would the new job mean? How would it fit into our family goals and into our lives? How would it fit my own goals? We hashed out multiple scenarios because we are planners. That is what we do.
The most disappointing is that the new job would not allow the flexibility to teach much yoga. I could possibly hold on to my Saturday class and then see how the job went. If it was going well, maybe I could commit to some other classes.
I've worked really hard to become a yoga teacher and to build my classes and keep learning more to benefit my own practice and my students. I was slightly down hearted about giving up what I had worked so hard to achieve. However, I did have faith that it would all work out.
Turns out I didn't get the job. And, to be very honest with you, I was totally PISSED. Mad. Angry. On FIRE.
Not only did I not get the job, but I had interviewed with them several times and have a relationship with the organization that was hiring and I didn't get a phone call to explain. They just sent back my portfolio with the same form letter than everyone else got.
Did I mention that I was on fire? And, to be honest again, I was really, really hurt. I had really set my heart on that plan that the wonderful husband and I hashed out and was ready to dive in (my weakness, I'm always ready to dive in and give it my all...often times the water just isn't deep enough).
I kept plugging away because I had something big to look forward to: a week at a yoga workshop. Isn't this relationship with yoga amazing? My yoga is there for me when I need it and it is there for me when I don't think I need it. It sticks around when I neglect it. It wraps its arms around me when I'm in one of my all or nothing phases.
After a couple days of being hurt and mad, I got to go to Feathered Pipe and let it all go. I had many, many lessons in letting go for my week away. I'll save those for more "bite sized" posts.
Something happened to me there. Nothing super profound. Nothing remotely close to any sort of spiritual spark or awakening. But, something more subtle. I felt my body. I didn't feel rigid and stiff. I could move. I felt comfortable. I felt like me.
It was watching my teacher. The most truly authentic person I had ever seen. And, watching her move and watching her teach. And knowing that deep down that was what I was searching for. Seeing it and then thinking I want that. I need that. I must have that.
And everything was in place. I was in the right place. Open. Defeated. Excited. Terrified. Sad. Joyful. I was tinder ready for her spark. She lived her yoga. I mean, she really lived her yoga. She was yoga. I'm certainly not putting her on a pedestal here, but she showed me something that I didn't know existed. I didn't think it was possible. I thought it was a bunch of horse shit all this talk about authenticity.
It is real. And it is rare.
I felt a small shift. A barely perceptible click.
I decided, fuck it, I'm going for it.
And the most amazing thing happened...I had a message. Not some divine, esoteric message. A REAL message. On my phone. From a yoga teacher in town with a studio space. Looking for someone to take it over because she was leaving.
Okay, so at this point I know that you are all disappointed that I didn't have a vision of Ganesh literally removing obstacles for me. Or that I didn't reach enlightenment under the quakies (trees that grow high in the mountains. most of the people at the workshop were obsessed with these trees. to me this is what trees look like. funny, huh?) But, if we are honest, the universe doesn't really work like that. And, if you have a vision and aren't on LSD or some other hallucinogenic, please, please tell me!
So, I went from a point where I was going to teach a couple of classes a month, to teaching 12 classes a week. I came back from the workshop literally buzzing with energy. I worked hard and taught a lot of classes to make sure the new gig was for me and then my body crashed. And, now I am making a real go of this yoga thing. I'm now in my office two days a week and doing this yoga teaching six days a week.
And, the very best part is that spark that my teacher ignited in me. I started teaching classes in a different way. Using my real voice (well, when I have actually had it!) and perhaps being a bit more authentic. It is really something...
Sometimes if you try, you just might find you get what you need.
Reader Comments (9)
Sometimes your ideas and what the universe has in store for you are completely different! I know the feeling. And congrats on your new direction :)
This is wonderful! Dive in!
Wow this is great, congratulations!
Something really similar has just happened to me. I can't say what yet but will do in the next couple of weeks or so. It's so weird. But so good y'know.
woo-hoo!
Congratulations!!!!
WHile I was reading the first part, about how you really wanted the job, but was extremely nervous about how that would impact your life, i thought- this job was so not for her.
And then I am SO happy to see the outcome. svasti is right- the Universe wanted something different for you, and this something different seems to fit the babs i "know" from internet land.
YAY!!
I am so happy for you :) I will do a little dance of Life Joy in my office while I procrastinate from writing a report.
ok so I wiggled in my chair lol.
Many Blessings to you Babs on your new Journey!
Lisa
Wow. I really enjoyed reading this post. I haven't known you for long, but I truly appreciate how authentic you were in this post. I CRAVE authenticity from people. Such a great lesson from your yoga instructor, too!
And TWELVE classes? Are you nuts? :) All joking aside, congrats on this new direction. I can't wait to see the new space. Honestly, I am dying to hear about the org that didn't hire you. Are they crazy??? Their loss, our gain! :)
I am SO happy for you! I really hope that some day the same sort of thing can happen in my life. I really yearn to leave the corporate world and teach, but I have a lot of work to do before it happens. You are inspiring me!
Thank you all for your amazing comments. As a blogger I always waiver between the generic, not too personal posts and the balls out posts. The balls out posts are more fun because it is wonderful to see all the support I have. Thank you!
LOVE this! It's amazing how life comes to meet us as soon as we take the first step. Congrats!